The Hodge-Podge Gallery: Oscar 2012: Fashion

I'm not going to get into my opinion of the actual show or its political ~~overtones~~ undertones, but the Oscars are the best example of American Pomp and Circumstance we have to date. So let's take a look at the fashion highlights from Sunday's show and see who won the Best Dressed Hodge Podge Award (note: no actual award exists in real life).

Basic Black-- typical

Yes, I realize Kelly Osbourne's dress doesn't fall under the term "Basic" but since I didn't feel like creating a "Black-With-Random-Touches-Of-Other-Colors" category, she's staying HERE. And Kelly... once again she ruins her cuteness with that ridic hair--are you trying to prove you're still edgy even though you're now a legit member of the Fashion Police?! I actually love her dress and shape in it. Then there's Angelina and her stupid leg (that's apparently gone viral). Jolie might be on the brink of a cray-cray meltdown (mid life crisis maybe?) and needs attention-- you heard it hear first folks. I like this dress well enough, but it's boring, and Angie is driving me crazy with her "sexier than thou" poses.

For whatever reason, the friendliest, slimming favorite color of all women disagrees with sparklies in the worst way. Neither Rose Byrne or Anna Faris look good, but perhaps if they switched dresses. Anyway, I don't care how much Hollywood or the world loves Angelina, Kelly wins... by a leg.

White-- official color of the 2012 Oscars

Apparently everyone wanted to have, as Rachel Zoe says, a "White Moment"on the red carpet this year, so we found an overabundance of black's counterpart.

Honestly Rooney Mara, I don't get it. It's not a horrible dress (I think mostly because it fits her) but the bust is silly and makes her boobies look tiny. Love the light fabric though. It's certainly a better choice than Shailene Woodley made (I'm not gonna lie, I had to google her to find out who she is since I didn't see "The Descendants"). Matronly! Even if a dress is lovely and a girl is beautiful, it needs to fit her age and style to work.

I wish I could dislike Paltrow's dress because A) She's wearing a cape and is NOT a superhero and B) I can't stand that snob. But you take off the cape and you have a lovely, simple white dress that looks good on her... even with her helmet hair. However, curves rule over slim-- Octavia Spencer looks great!

Finally, Sheila E (who I also had to google to find out who she was and why she was allowed at the Oscars) and Mila Jovovich (whose presence at the Academy Awards still baffles me). Even though their presence was a mystery, these ladies look AMAZING in white. Mila has everything, while Sheila falls short because of the GIANT ring that could cut a bitch. With many choices, I still think Mila takes it-- she might be a zombie movie action hero, but she's got A-list old Hollywood glamour.

Gold-- because it's not just enough to go to the Oscars, you want to look like one too!

Meryl-- I love her, she's brilliant, but that dress is awful. AWFUL! It makes her look big, hangs funny, and the gold hue is terrible. However, her hair and makeup are lovely. Shaun Robinson has a better shade of gold, but the dress is plain (do you see those guns?!), makes her look too tiny, and her hair is uncomfortably 90's.

Despite the fact that Stacy Kiebler's gold gown represents the literal interpretation of her status as George Clooney's trophy girlfriend, it's interestingly cut, offers a great silhouette, pleasant shade of gold, and she's just damn pretty. Winner.

Green-- there's only 2.

I absolutely LOVE Glenn's dress (once she ditches the blazer)-- did you know she had such an incredible body?! And the detail on the train paired with stunning earrings and simple makeup and hair-- love. Though I could do without the Botoxed face. Viola Davis is gorgeous and I like where the top of the dress is going, but the bottom looks messy and unfinished. Great color. Glenn Close wins!

Blue-- it's diverse.

Leslie Mann looks unbelievable. The End. Penelope Cruz is working that periwinkle and I love how much softer it makes her... but that damn dress needs pressing!

Technically Sheri Shepherd & Tina Fey belong in the "Why Were They There?" category, but they ARE wearing blue after all. Here's the thing about Shepherd's dress: everything works but the bust. Is that her bra?! I hope not but my hopes seem meaningless at this point. Fey is pulling her usual ace where she proves she can actually dress herself for a formal occasion... which is why I think her awful outfits might be a result of Fey's sense of humor. Still... Leslie Mann WINS.

Red/Orange/Pink-- they're almost the same, right?

If Emma Stone didn't have a bow growing out of her neck I would like the dress-- "like," not "love." Though it's elegant, classy, flowy, I like Stone to look sleeker, take more risks, and even try something sexy. But the Oscars isn't the time or the place. Louise Roe, on the other hand, looks awesome. I'm in love with her pink, structured gown with feminine details and a masculine cut.

Ellie Kemper did an amazing job matching her hair to her dress-- that takes skill. She just looks blah to me and I can't decide the actual color of the gown. Finally, Michelle Williams, whose style is practically opposite mine, looks beautiful. The color, the hair, the makeup, and the DRESS-- Williams wins even though her bag isn't right.

How Did They Get In?-- Seriously, how.

So I put Judy Greer in this category before I looked her up and found out she was in "The Descendants." Please ignore that fact. Judy is hysterical, adorable, and I really like her dress-- actually I'd love to see it on Emma Stone. Nice job, Judy, and congrats! Kelly Ripa... boringly simple dress and her smile looks like the result of her tightly pulled hair. Painful.

Don't get me wrong, Sarah Hyland is wonderful in "Modern Family" but why is she at the Oscars?! Did I mention I didn't actually watch the show since the live online program I ordered FAILED? Well I'm sure she was incorporated but it doesn't make sense... kind of like her dress. I HATE it. Yuck. Which brings me to J Lo. Stop trying to get attention with your cleavage! That shit gets OLD (like you).

WTF?-- in other words, Worst Dressed

"Melissa Squared" (see what I did there?) is an EPIC FAIL. Melissa Leo, in general, has terrible taste and needs to hire Rachel Zoe stat because she's a beautiful woman! GAH! And Melissa McCarthy-- perhaps her choices are limited given her size-- but Lane Bryant has better options. I do like the peaches and cream coloring she was going for though, that's about the only thing that works.

Missi Pyle is a hot mess. I know the dress was the winning design of the Oscar gown competition, beat over 22,000 entries, is eco-friendly... but it's not friendly on the eyes! It's as if she loved Mint Green, found a bunch of dresses that color and sewed together her favorite chunks. The sagging sleeve, the unflattering sweetheart neckline (that could just be her boobies), the random sash and accessory, and the lifeless, hanging lower part. Ick.

Sandra Bullock couldn't decide between this year's neutrals of black, gold, and white so she went with all 3. The black part looks great from the back-- She has a great ass (what are you waiting for Ryan Reynolds?!), but unfortunately it makes her top half seem abnormally large. The sleeves are awkward, the top does NOTHING for her boobs, it's like they don't exist, and the severe ponytail makes America's Sweetheart look slightly evil.

My vote for worst: Missi Pyle.

And the Hodge Podge Best Dressed Award Winner is...

Michelle Williams and Glenn Close!!!