Open Wound

On Monday afternoon I felt "on edge," that is to say: "ready to explode." A few odd, aggravating, and unusual things occurred in such quick succession that they threw my mood into a whirlwind of impatience and bad temper.

The main incident struck my nerves as I scrolled through my Facebook News Feed (ah Facebook, such a useful tool yet the source of so much drama).  A friend of a friend of mine was tagged in a photo album that included a person whom you might presumably call my "archenemy" but whom I like to call "the Spawn of Satan."  Now, we're not super close and my friend hanging out with... we will call her "Dawn"... doesn't bother me... plus I knew about it.

The part that disturbed me was seeing her face making that moronic "kissy face" girls make when they're trying to look like models, smiling and alive and looking well-- I'd forgotten Dawn existed... for the most part.  You see, I blocked Dawn and her boyfriend (we will call him Dick) completely from Facebook back in Oct. 2008 because of one of the worst fights ever.  Now I know blocking someone doesn't automatically destroy their life source, but on Facebook, when you block a person, they can't see you nor can you see them. So naturally I haven't seen updated photos of Dawn for over 2 years and no amount of innate curiosity could entice me to unblock Dawn and Dick just to see what they're up to.  Though "hate" is a strong word, that is the emotion I feel when I think about and see her.  Hate.

Ever since our spat in '08 I have been TRYING to forgive her (I really have nothing against Dick other than he lives up to his fake namesake... but that's no big deal)-- I've even prayed for her! Yet every time I think I've reached that point where I can move on, the mention of her name, that incident, or seeing her photo triggers those awful feelings as if they happened yesterday. Would you like an example of my feelings?  Seeing her face makes me want to take a bat to it... but thankfully I have God; these are mere weak emotions that I'll never satisfy, though I can't guarantee that if I ever ran into her in public I wouldn't get into a war of words with Dawn, throwing around the most vicious insults my mind could create.  She puts me in a bad place: I become a different person when I see Dawn. Apparently this is an open, festering wound that could become seriously infected if not treated.

What could Dawn have done that was so terrible? It began when she and my younger brother got into a fight (I should clarify that although Dawn was a good acquaintance, she was my lil bro's good friend and about age 21 at the time).  They had been in little tiffs before and sorted it out themselves but this was different: she decided to embarrass him on Facebook.  I can't remember most of what was said between the two of them, but it was highly offensive, rude, extremely hurtful to Brother, she hurled insults at him, and I couldn't sit by and let him take it (he's polite when it comes to women).  Even though I can see flaws as well as strengths, when it comes to family and close friends I am fiercely loyal and will throw down if need be.

And so I sent Dawn a message trying to explain her inappropriate behavior and that she was being extremely hurtful and immature.  You can ask the several people involved:  I was firm but polite.  Not surprisingly Dawn replied with a childish message littered with profanity, but the most shocking part about it was the level to which she would stoop to win a fight.  Any low blow, any physical or character flaw that  I had, Dawn threw in my face with such venom even Lucifer would blush.  After reading this letter that attacked everything from my brother and husband to my weight, marriage, finances, job situation, education... EVERYTHING... Dawn was no longer human in my eyes.  She became "It," an inhuman creature without the capacity for love and certainly without a soul.

I wrote back with a rather rude email myself-- yes I stooped to her level the second time, I am ashamed to say-- and received an even more painful reply from Dawn.  How painful? I screamed, I cried, I called my mother, and my brother & his friends were literally in shock with sympathy (I had sent him all of the correspondence).  Anger I'd never felt burst out of me... and my husband (I actually had to stop him from driving down to where they lived) and it unleashed such rage that I could have violently hurt "It" until "It" bled to death.  Needless to say I calmed down and decided to reply in my old form: constructively addressing all arguments Dawn laid out in her previous letter, firmly stating mine, and of course leaving out foul language.  At the end of the letter I told her I pitied her, knew she was the worst person in the world, and warned Dick that some day she would turn on him too-- this wasn't the first incident she'd had with a friend.  Then I blocked her.  Dawn would have kept harassing me and spreading poison, so what better way to aggravate a person who must have the last word than cut her off completely from all communication.  That was the end of it.

So you must be curious... what did she say?  Well, there were obviously tons of jabs at Hubby's and my being overweight, at some point I was "ugly," and of course how pathetic I was to have two jobs (apparently she looks down on people with multiple jobs...).  The private bit about our finances was a definite blow since we had no clue how much she knew about those affairs, not to mention she belittled the car accident that nearly killed my husband and left him facially scarred.  Then there were the insults about our move to Wisconsin, claiming my brother needed me to fight his battles (so not true: he had been communicating with her separately the entire time), more fat comments...

The worst came when she cut me to the core by insulting me as a bride and my marriage.  You see, Dawn had attended my wedding as a guest of my brother's and I remember the multitude of compliments she gave me that day, and the days before and after, and how Dawn wanted her relationship with Dick to be like my marriage.  Suddenly this changed: she asked me how it felt to look like a cow on my wedding day; to have a mother, bridesmaids, mother-in-law, and sister-in-law all much more beautiful than me; that I was the ugliest person at the wedding.  How she and Dick would never want to be like us, that we were pathetic as a couple and that our marriage would fail.  Perhaps those insults about being an ugly bride hurt so deeply because secretly I'd had the same thoughts myself, that both of my mothers are far thinner and more beautiful than I'd ever be... I married into a family of extraordinarily beautiful people-- what was I thinking?! And I've grown up feeling separate from my family and sister-like cousins, knowing all these years that I'm the "fat one," that "one of these things is not like the others."  No one has ever said anything, of course, but when you grow up self-conscious and without confidence, you see it.

Typing about this is just another reminder that her words still cause pain and how much I hate this so-called woman.  Such evil feelings.  With God's help, I will forgive Dawn some day, though I also pray NEVER to see her again.  So now you've seen the ugly side of me... I hope we can still be friends.  Good news out of the whole thing: my brother and I are closer.  I even gained a few friends of my brother's once they'd discovered what I had written to Dawn-- apparently I have a way with words.  You see... there's always a silver lining.