I wish I could say I am sad, but that would be a lie. In his last days, Grandpa became grumpier, shouting at hospital staff and mocking his wife. No words of regret, no apologies. There was no realization of God-- he even requested no funeral and when asked if she wanted a minister at his private burial, Grandma replied, "what for?" This death was really a loss of life-- the life he ruined with bitterness and anger. Truthfully, he was dead long before he died.
Today his ashes were placed in the ground during a private ceremony where only his wife, three children, their three significant others, and two out of his four grandchildren gathered. No one offered to do the honors of placing his ashes in the small hole, and only his wife spoke a few delusional words in his memory.
This is hard. It's hard knowing of this loss and having the inability to feel it. To fully realize how little my own grandfather meant to me in life and death has struck me to the core, and I mourn the numbness I feel from his passing. However, I pray for his soul everyday because I fear it is in hell and I can't bear the thought of anyone being there for the rest of eternity. Never in my life have I thought anyone close to me who has passed on is not in Heaven, but in my grandpa's case... I don't know. I can only hope and pray.
There is a lesson here: Forgive. Love. Laugh. Share. And finally, never EVER take the people you love for granted and treat them poorly, otherwise no one will mourn your death and you will fall into nothingness.