2013 Oscars Red Carpet

The Oscars, as the Academy now permits we can call it even though we've called it that for years (take that, "Academy Awards!"), aired Sunday night and since most of us have no say in who goes home with a little gold statue, you know what that means.......  It's time to judge people we don't know and will probably never meet based solely on what they're wearing!!! 

So for me it's just like any other day.

Before you start asking what I thought of the show-- I didn't watch it. No channels :(  You're all invited to my pity party after the blog! 

I'm hoping to catch up on clips, performances, and speeches after writing this... but I may play solitaire instead. And being the hypocrite I am living near Hollywood and submitting spec scripts to writing programs at studios, I literally saw ONE of the films nominated: Brave. Here's what I thought of it.

Let's get the easy stuff out of the way: Jennifer Lawrence.

I mean, duh. She's the favorite, reaching the top of many "Best" lists and I'm not going to fight about it.  Who would argue with a soft pink puffy cotton candy dress with a pattern resembling Cottonelle Ultra? 

Oscar Fashion was all over the place this year, a refreshing change from the snoozefest at the Golden Globes. I saw quite a bit of futuristic sequins, shoulder pads & sleeves, pale on pale, and a few poor souls that just didn't give a sh*t.

Pale on Pale

You can't see where the dress ends and the actress begins.

Remember when Amy Adams used to wear color?

Google does. 

My eyes hurt looking at these pictures. Seriously.

Amanda Seyfried looks delicate if not a little breakable due to her slight frame and lacy-ish dress. However, Amy has a more dramatic silhouette despite wearing a dress resembling that Sunday school art project where you make flowers out of glue, tissue paper, and the eraser end of a pencil. Best Dressed.

Worst Dressed: Anne Hathaway paired a chunky choker with a high neckline, you can see every crease, and the darts are giving her false nipples.

Is this an awards show or a Sci-Fi movie?

Dresses from The Future.

Naomi Watts

Nicole Kidman ~ Stacey Keibler

Worst Dressed: Kudos to Nicole Kidman for getting her plastic surgery face under control, but her dress has SWIRLS on it. And I'm pretty sure the detail on her abdomen is Batman's belt (which, if I'm being honest, should put her in "Best Dressed").

Best Dressed: Naomi Watts because duh. She looks incredible and I almost gave her "Best Dressed" overall because it's a unique cut.

Shoulder Pads

Why?

Jane Fonda looks like she stepped out of the 80's-- a classy version of the 80's that's no excuse for having a puckered seam up the front of her dress. I can't believe I'm going to say this: Halle Berry pulls off shoulders pads. Congrats, girlfriend.

Sleeves

Jennifer Hudson ~ Marcia Gay Harden

Sally Field

Sleeves are finicky things because even an inch can make a difference. Despite the scaly dress, Jennifer Hudson's slightly off the wrist sleeve adds length to her arms while Sally Field's hands appear abnormally large thanks to hers (though not even a couple inches off the sleeves could save that dress).  Never mind Marcia Gay Harden's arm length, what about the arm width? The detail is terrible. Lose the sleeves altogether and you've got a great dress. Maybe add a wrap if you're feeling saucy.

Dapper Dudes

Because men in tuxes are sexy.

Chris Evans ~ Chris Pines

Christoph Waltz & Bradley Cooper ~ Jean Dujardin 

Are you a bow or skinny tie gal/guy? I love me a skinny tie but nothing could make these handsome gentlemen look bad.
Best Dressed: Jean Dujardin because I'm all about a Silver Fox.

Curvy

Melissa McCarthy ~ Octavia Spencer

 

Adele ~ Queen Latifah

As I stare at Melissa McCarthy I wonder where Stacy and Clinton from "What Were They Thinking" are when you need them. Nothing.... NOTHING is right about it. In fact, I'm confident someone took a gray jersey sheet, draped, pinned, and hemmed it, glued on a few details and called it a dress. And whoever did it decided to wrap and pleat the fabric around the biggest part of her belly!  As a plus size woman with a large abdomen, I understand the limits and frustrations just trying to dress normally, let alone for the Oscars, but come on! At least wear black. And don't poof your hair. Worst Dressed, no question.

Best Dressed: Queen Latifah for elegance, class, and dressing for her body. Fabulous.

"I Don't Give A Sh*t"

And they don't.

Renee Zellweger

Helena Bonham Carter ~ Kristen Stewart

I realize Renee Zellweger's dress is cut well for her body in spite of the cheap looking fabric, but I'm pretty sure I wore my hair the same way on days I knew I wouldn't leave the house. Yet it can't compare to the rat's nest living-- literally-- on Helena Bonham Carter's head, a fitting style for her "I  hate the Red Carpet and want everyone to know it" dress. We get it, Helena, you're above the shallow practice of parading your beauty for all the world to admire or criticize. If that's how she feels, fine, but then opt out of it.

And Kristen. Pretty sure we all know she's uncomfortable about public admiration but that's no excuse to wear an ill-fitting gown that's totally wrong for her figure and coloring. Worst Dressed.

Best Dressed goes to Helena for that epic expression on her face.

I'd like to thank...

Jessica Chastain for her incredible recovery from that blue monstrosity she wore to the Globes.

Catherine Zeta-Jones for being Welsh and still making that dress exotic.

Jennifer Aniston for haunting me with that redundant strapless red A-line gown we saw Jennifer Lawrence and Zooey Deschanel wearing at the Globes. 

(I swear it's the same dress and these women just pass it around)

Helen Hunt for keeping the phrase "You get what you pay for" alive and well. The money must have gone to her hair and makeup because those look fantastic.

Kerry Washington for her continuous Fashion near misses. She's beautiful but she never quite makes the mark.

Charlize Theron for the Red Carpet "white" moment. Classy.

Olivia Munn for the "wrapped comforter" look. It's as if the red skirt is slowly consuming her slight frame.

My apologies if this post, like the Oscars, also dragged on way too long, but we've reached the conclusion. Once again, I chose interesting over trendy. Gowns and dresses that hold my attention for the right reasons will be considered first.

Without further delay............

Best Dressed

Zoe Saldana

I realize the dress isn't perfect: there's too much going on with the bodice. However, the silhouette is gorgeous, white is amazing on Zoe's skin, and the train grabs your attention. Even with the top half, there's so much potential: remove the belt and bow or just the belt. Make the feathery bust plain, take off the bow, and add a dark gray belt... or no belt at all. Not to mention her hair and less-is-more accessories complete the ensemble.

Worst Dressed

Brandi Glanville

There's sexy, there's classy, and then there's this dress. With a train resembling sheep's wool. Toss on a fake tan, large red lip, and glitter platforms and Brandi-With-An-I Glanville has achieved all the (negative) attention a Real Housewife from Beverly Hills could ever want.

Thanks for reading and thanks again to all of the beautiful ladies who suffer in Spanx and sky high heels, skip eating the week before the red carpet, and smile for hours while being blinded by camera flashes.

Let me ask YOU: did you enjoy the Oscars? How about the fashions?? I love comments and will respond so post away!

Thanks to Yahoo! and The Hollywood Reporter for the photos. You're rock stars.