I should be sleeping. It's 3am, I work at 1 tomorrow (today), and I'm tired. But there's a lot on my mind...
First of all-- how are you? I know I've neglected you, my readers and strangers passing by, and I apologize. There's plenty going on in all our lives so the excuse that "I'm busy" is insulting to all you parents, career peeps, students, full time job-bers (it's late-- expect non-words)... I've just been away. Soul searching and ignoring social media.
The BIG MOVE is 3 weeks away. Holy shit. There's so much to do. Sign a lease, fix the couches, set the move date, rummage sale our crap (yes I just turned "rummage sale" into a verb), make a few last minute preparation purchases (new glasses-- yay!), PACK, say goodbye... I think I'll save the "Goodbye Blog" for another night when I'm awake in the wee hours of the morning.
Life is good though. New friends, a great part time job, the tragic loss of my engagement ring turning into a blessing. God is moving through my life, these plans, my spirit... in every way possible. Our marriage is getting stronger by the day. We talk about everything anyway, but lately Michael and I have talked daily about our troubles and joys and hopes and dreams and plans. Word of advice: ALWAYS be open about finances with your significant other: it will cement your relationship (and save it too if it needs saving). I grow stronger by the day. God has opened my eyes so I can finally see my potential and know that as long as I trust in Him... I'm golden. :)
Tonight on one of our long walks around the apartment complex, I realized God has taught me life lessons in four year increments. What the heck am I talking about? As per my usual analyzation of the Past-- we can learn so much from it if we pay attention and are open-- I determined the last 12 years have culminated to bring me to this moment... this point in my life where I'm finally ready to face the hardship of Hollywood. Finally ready to realize the potential I've been blessed with, grab it by the balls, and hold on for dear life (you enjoy that image).
First came high school. Those 4 years were all about AMBITION. Using that brain God gave me to climb to the top of my class. Yuppers, I was valedictorian of JHS... along with 10 other people mind you (my high school didn't have weighted grades). Of course I had to defend myself because I took art and music classes which are normally worth less in a weighted system. Some students felt those of us valedictorians in choir, creative writing, and drawing classes didn't work as hard as the ones who took all AP classes (I only took 1: AP English. I would've taken AP Calc if it'd fit in my schedule, as well as done Spanish all 4 years if the schedules hadn't been messed up. Yes, NERD would be the appropriate term for me at this time... okay... always). Well, choir took tons of extra hours, the guts to perform, and the skill of reading music. And drawing? Anyone who'd seen my work knew I wasn't turning in stick figures. Anyway, I digress. The pursuit of straight A's taught me the value of learning, hard work, patience, and going the extra mile. I worked my ass to the bone studying for tests, perfecting projects, memorizing music for concerts. Plus I was active in my church's music program and taught a children's chime choir once a week. I didn't sit on my hands every day.
College was different. I met a wider circle of people and began dieting/ working out. The weight came off and God showed me that yes, I was damn good looking (sexy beast is more like it). I never believed it before. Then I met great girlfriends that explained makeup and hair techniques, as well as how to develop my own style (aided by "What Not To Wear" as well-- Stacy and Clinton are life savers). I progressed from awkward teen to confident young lady. I learned weight can be lost, exercise helps with depression, and there are more important things than grades: friends (seems obvious but I was anti-social). That's when I discovered what it means to appreciate my physical self.
And now my first 4 years of marriage-- this was the transition from young lady to woman. When I took on the grown-up (HA!) responsibilities of managing finances, becoming semi-domestic, balancing relationships, and fully understanding what sharing my life with another person truly means I became moved into the next phase of my life. It's been through God's eyes and Michael's that I now see myself with LOVE. In turn I have developed a deep-seeded confidence in myself that transitions to how I see life. Appearance and Ambition are all well and good, but they're nothing without total belief in oneself. Now I am a triple threat; yes I'm still heavy but I look great in spite of it. No I haven't taken advantage of past opportunities but that stops now. I love myself inside and out, and now it's time to work my ass off at a thriving career in Hollywood. I'm ready to work, to create, to network, to be a LEADER. Film is what I'm meant to pursue no matter how hard everyone says it will be. That's fine-- I like a challenge.
It's 3:43am. "Maps" is playing. Nice.