Golden Globes 2013 Red Carpet

My first blog of 2013 and it's devoted to criticizing celebrity fashion choices........ off to a great start, I'd say!

This year's Golden Globes Red Carpet could be summed up in one sound effect: *YAWN* I could be dramatic and say something cliche like "I've never been so bored in my entire life!" but that simply isn't true: I took Weather & Climate and Physics in college-- I know 'bored.'

Golden Globes fashion consisted of black, white, nude sequins/lace/sequins AND lace, red, blue, plunging necklines, and a plethora of high slit dresses that made me want to punch Angelina Jolie in the face (What? She started it). Maybe they all had the same stylist? Fashion tedium being the case, you're probably going to hate question my choices because I went for interesting over trendy.  Consider yourselves WARNED. Don't get me wrong, trends are fine, but these beautiful women are supposed to be trendsetters and hardly any of them are taking risks. As a woman whose physically impossible and expensive fashion tastes live vicariously through supermodels and gorgeous celebs, I demand variety, dammit!

Let's go back to the basics for a moment. It's imperative clothing fits otherwise you fall victim to slang terms like "muffin top," "camel toe," or in the case of Alyssa Milano, Debra Messing, Lena Dunham, and Mayim Bialik: fat.

Alyssa Milano - Debra Messing

Lena Dunham -  Mayim Bialik

None of these women comes remotely close to the Hollywood "F word," yet the cuts, fabrics, and styling of the gowns coupled with the camera all add the illusion of extra pounds (or in the case of Ms. Dunham it appears as though she's a little girl wearing mommy's big girl dress). Camera test the dresses first, ladies!

While a great fit is... great (I'm not a thesaurus-- don't judge), hair and makeup will improve, compliment, change, or heinously murder an entire look. 

Case in point: The Bride of Frankenstein Kaley Cuoco.

Normally I'd suggest firing the makeup artist, but let's be fair, Kaley and her posse have eyes and a mirror: friends don't let friends go to a televised awards ceremony wearing a soft dress and goth makeup.

You know what real friends also don't do? They don't let you turn into a plastic surgery monster.

Megan Fox & Brian Austin Green

 

 Nicole Kidman - Angelica Houston

Beautiful women who would have aged gracefully and instead become increasingly freakish due to the harsh Hollywood criticism and immense pressure. I'm going to spend a blog talking about Botox, plastic surgery, and self-image soon.  Seriously-- Angelica Houston looks like a man.

Time to taste the rainbow of colors (SARCASM!) the Golden Globes offered: black, white, nudes/pale pink (which looks nude on camera so to me it's the same thing), red, and blue. Three of those "colors" are neutrals... someone needs to refresh Hollywood actresses on ROY G BIV. 

Black

 

Rosie Huntington-Whitely - Eva Longoria

And so begins the decent into plunging necklines and high slits....

Katharine McPhee - Kate Capshaw & Steve Spielberg

.......and it continues...................

Kristen Wiig -  Kate Hudson

..............................oh look, plunging necklines!!!

Guiliana Rancic - Helen Mirren

Like most of the mainstream films released in the last few years, many of the evening's gowns were slightly varied versions of the same thing. 

 Salma Hayek -  Sarah Hyland

See what I mean?

For the sake of practicing decisiveness, Best Dressed goes to Kate Hudson's makeup and therefore her dress because it brings focus to the cosmetic wonder that is her face. I'm awarding Worst Dressed to Rosie Huntington-Whiteley for those terrible shoes, poofy collar, and high slit even with the bonus points for dating Jason Statham and having epic side boob.

White

I like white-- it's classic. As I mentioned above, the dresses are all weirdly similar-- maybe they all had coffee and coordinated? 

Ryan Seacrest & Julianne Hough -  Carly Steel

 Michelle Dockery - Heidi Klum

As you can see, white with gold on the upper bodice was rather popular.

 Francesca Eastwood -  Jennifer Lopez

Perhaps Jennifer Lopez will someday rise above craving attention for her sexuality.

 Anne Hathaway - Lea Michele

Best Dressed goes to Michelle Dockery because I made a sharp inhale when I saw her photo. The  fantastic silhouette coupled with a detailed gold high collar was wonderfully simple: Michelle knows she's beautiful and doesn't need to overcompensate with a high slit (*cough* Heidi Klum!) or showing tons of skin like our Worst Dressed: J Lo. Kudos to her rockin' bod and beauty, but I don't need it shoved in my face at every red carpet event or TV appearance.

Nude/Pale Pink/Sequins

 Hayden Panettiere - Amy Adams

The mermaid compliments both ladies, but Amy is completely washed out. Stick to color, girl!

Isla Fisher - Connie Britton

Anyone else having trouble telling these two women apart?

Kerry Washington's dress needs to figure out its identity. Kristen Bell is an example of how the high collar doesn't work for everyone.

Amanda Seyfried - Megan Fox

Blah.

There's no Best or Worst Dressed in this category because I fell asleep while trying to decide.

Blue

Different shades, different cuts: should be fun :) 

Pale:

Kathryn Bigelow - Rosario Dawson

Draped:

Morena Baccarin - Julie Bowen

 Bright and Beaded:

Nicole Richie - Nancy O'Dell

 Dark Blue:

Sally Field - Jodie Foster

Jon Hamm & Jennifer Westfeldt

Best Dressed: Jennifer Westfeldt. Love the cut, color, and different textures. Overall, one cool dress. 

Worst Dressed: Morena Baccarin for the confusing and sad energy emitting from her gown.

Red

First up we have Zooey Deschanel and Jennifer Lawrence wearing the exact same dress. 

Wait.... I'm getting reports that the gowns are, in fact, different.

 

V-necks with trains.

 

Claire Danes - Megan Hilty

Sweetheart necklines with trains.

 

Melissa Rauch - Jennifer Garner

 Tight-busted necklines with men.

Liev Schreiber & Naomi Watts - Carey Lowell & Richard Gere

You wouldn't think the Red Dress category would be dull but here we are, so I'm choosing Claire Danes for Best Dressed because of her awesome hair. Worst Dressed goes to Zooey, Melissa, and Jennifer for picking dresses that need to be accessorized with a steamer. Why are designers sending actresses down the Red Carpet in dresses that wrinkle easily?!

Interesting

The final category is for the gowns that caught my attention simply by being different. These women tried something different like.... another color or more than one color or a pattern or ANYTHING ELSE.

No, you're not dreaming, Gabby Douglas is wearing canary yellow. And the person she hired to dress her she accessorized with a multi-colored clutch with an emphasis on magenta-- lovely. The dress is simple but in a sea of black, white, and boring, it stands out. 

Hold onto your fascinators, Fashionistas, Jessica Alba also opted for one of the other colors in the rainbow! Is it orange, peach, coral? Who cares?! It compliments her skin, the dress fits beautifully, and I love the orange lip color-- it's hard to pull off. The muppet purse is a risk that works.

I will get slack for this, but I really couldn't care less: I love Lucy Lui in this gown! It's a breath of colorful fresh air. Before you jump on the "it looks like my grandma's curtains!" bandwagon, just remember that Julie Andrews made dresses out of curtains in The Sound of Music and no one questions Dame Julie Andrews who is a grandma!!! 

The well-tailored yet clean cut of the ball gown offsets the busy pattern; add fresh makeup and a fishtail braid to Lucy's "I love my dress!" smile and you've got a fun, interesting fashion choice.

Okay, let's start with the cons: high slit (does every woman want to be Angelina Jolie?!), odd cut out on the left hip, and the ILLUSION of one sad, sagging boob. 

I love this dress and almost gave my overall Best Dressed Award to Halle Berry, mostly because she doesn't age and that deserves major props.  The dress fits her perfectly, the colors accent her gorgeous skin, the pattern is cool, and the silhouette is fabulous. It's modern art meshed with a sari.

Overall Awards

Worst Dressed

It feels a bit hypocritical to call someone the "worst dressed" when you're sitting in a comfy chair wearing stretch pants, a lacy camisole, no bra, an over-sized man's sweatshirt, your greasy hair clipped back, and absolutely no makeup. (Are you picturing me in all my loveliness?!?!)

But dammit, I'm going to do it anyway!

Breasts: the hetero man's weakness and bane of many a woman's existence. Natural ones are untamable and, depending on the size, make wearing certain necklines impossible. While I applaud Jessica Chastain's stubborn resistance against the drooping of her cleavage, alas, the girls are flailing in a sea of blue cloth with no hope of rescue. Add to that the pleating under the bust, Jessica's unfathomable pose pulling the skirt against her legs thus giving herself a pooch, and a color washing out her alabaster skin and you have the Golden Globes 2013 Red Carpet Worst Dressed Winner!!! The face of the woman behind her says it all.

Congratulations, Jessica-- you've earned it!

And the Golden Globes 2013 Red Carpet Best Dressed Award goes to...

Rachel Weisz 

I'm laughing to myself because I imagined some of you while reading the winner's name heard a record scratching and shouted "WHAT?!" in your heads.

Believe me, I'm just as shocked as you are, but I love love LOVE the retro Forties style of Rachel's ensemble. I kept going back to this photo-- the dress wouldn't get out of my head!-- and each time liked everything more and more. From the polka dot netting to the maroon nails & lips to the shoes (and the gorgeous legs attached to them-- flaunt it, girl!), the side swept curled hair, and overall fit... The Lady is a Vamp (Spice Girls anyone?!).  Plus it doesn't hurt to accessorize with husband Daniel Craig. First verse of the SG song says "She's a Bond babe"-- PERFECT!

Normally I prefer classic gowns, but I was lost in a river of boredom until I got to Weisz-- it's a risk that paid off.

I hope you had fun reading and a big thank you to Yahoo and Huffington Post for the photos. I also want to thank the celebrity beauties for being brave enough to walk the Red Carpet knowing their fashion choices will be scrutinized and judged my millions of random people like myself around the world. I applaud you, ladies-- GIRL POWER!

Thanks for tuning in-- Welcome to 2013!!

EDIT 1-14-13 at 1pm PST: After seeing other photos around the Interweb, I now realize that Jennifer Westfeldt's dress is not dark blue, but violet. Whoops! So.... I'm aware. Sorry for the incorrect categorization.