A couple days ago I turned 25... but not without first experiencing a mid-twenties life crisis. I'll get into that in a sec. This particular entry is about a letter I remembered writing to myself and retrieved from a journal of mine I had since high school and my early college years. The letter was not to be opened until after my 25th birthday so here we go:
May 26, 2004
Dear Hodge Podge,
This is a letter to yourself to straighten out your priorities.
You will be successful. Furthermore, you will win that Oscar for a remarkable, life-changing film. No excuses. I know it'll be hard-- the road is long, bumpy, and filled with detours. Feel free to take a detour or two but ALWAYS get back to the main road. It's not about money or fame, it's about sharing yourself, your ideas, other people's ideas with the world. You will inspire, anger, frustrate, enthrall, and lift people up. Remember this:
YOU WILL DO GREAT THINGS AND ACCOMPLISH GOALS WITH A STRONG,
DETERMINED HEART. LEARN YOUR LESSONS, TAKE CRITICISM, PUSH YOUR
BOUNDARIES.
Most of all, make Mom and Dad proud.
Continuing, you know you have to lose weight and IT WILL HAPPEN. Keep working out, DIET, and kick yourself to be active. Besides, you'll feel terrific and look fab!
Finally, the dating thing. Obviously, nothing has happened. You shouldn't have turned down Dominique because you were scared. It's a monstrous step, one you must take. Don't be afraid, you'll get burned (as you know), but you could meet someone amazing who thinks you're amazing too! Just keep smiling and step out of that damn shell!!!
Best of luck and see you on the other side,
Hodge Podge
I wrote this when I was 18 and a freshman in college. Who knew I'd have the right words for myself at the right time?! Well, God knew I guess... but I definitely have a stronger belief in my powers of perception and psychic ability (both gifts from Big G). Actually, I think I'll write another to myself not to be opened until I'm 35-- it's quite fun!
Anyway, excluding the part about not having found someone by now, the entire letter is relevant and inspirational to my new course of life. During the weeks leading up to my birthday, I battled back and forth between my optimism for the future and the despair of uncertainty brought on by depression. Toss in the weight struggle and I was fully in revamp mode.
No one warned me about the 25th birthday life crisis yet when I mentioned it on facebook I had plenty of friends who understood exactly what I was feeling: lost, uncertain, searching for a purpose and career mixed with a feeling of regret from all of the things I felt I should've accomplished and haven't yet. Fortunately, my husband and I have an open communication line and began discussing our options, wants, and future.
For the longest time we have not been entirely on the same page. As he's nearing 30, my husband has had a desire to purchase property, to finally stop renting and OWN something. I, on the other hand, have been obsessed with getting to the West Coast and begin a career in film without knowing how or where or when anything can happen. Yet as I began analyzing myself, my needs and wants, and my potential, I realized the importance of making a difference, of finding meaning in my career, and I discovered a desire for family. And so I began a transformation and finally discovered what I want.
It began with a desire to go back to school, find a house, start a career, and begin a family. Now I've come to specifics and have finally morphed my dreams into goals.
1. I am going back to school for a teaching certificate so I can teach high school English. I will balance a full-time schedule with work study and a part-time job.
2. We are settling in this area for the next 10 or 15 years at least and shall start with purchasing a house by September 2011.
3. I want to have a baby by the time I am 28. And before then we shall get a puppy.
4. Once I've begun teaching and my husband and I have adjusted to our new schedule with work and babies, I shall go back to school and obtain a Masters and finally a Doctorate in English. Hopefully some day I shall teach at the collegiate level while continuing to write and write and WRITE!
5. I want to find a church and begin participating in the community.
How's that for a goal sheet?
For the first time I am seeing my life and my purpose clearly-- it's a great feeling. However, now there's the technical mumbo jumbo like college applications, loan applications, job applications, fetching transcripts all of which MUST get going NOW so I can figure out what I'll be doing this fall and start making SOME money. This is exciting, scary, overwhelming, and trying my patience. I know it's a long road before I can begin my career and I want to get started as soon as possible but finances are holding us back, though I have FAITH it will all work out.
Film will always be an important part of my life-- it's a true passion of mine. I shall continue to write and I do not regret my days spent at film school (though I think my dad's wallet does). The experiences and people I met and know have all brought me to this point and I am forever grateful.
And so, Happy 25th to me.
